An unexpected tragedy struck my life last week like the open palm of a slapping hand: I solved a Rubik's Cube, and thus, buried a version of myself, the version that didn't—you guessed it—know how to solve a Rubik's Cube. That version of me had magic in his veins, a sense for the impossible, a belief in Tolkien’s Nameless Things that gnaw at the roots of the earth. And now it’s all gone, over one stupid Rubik’s Cube.
I knew it was possible to solve—easy even—but no one ever tells you about the sadness that creeps in after the deed is done; the post-cubal self-loathing that settles in as you stare at the completed thing limp in your hand, naked in its uniformity.
It all started at the Lawsons' house weeks ago. Lord Emmett (or so we call him) had solved a cube in the blink of an eye. Thirteen. The Lord is thirteen. David (the Lord's father) rather rashly told me it wasn't that hard once you knew the moves. Would that David had been more guarded, more considerate, with his comments. This all could have been averted…
So I said to myself "If Lord Emmet and countless other CHILDREN can knock one of these things out in less time that it takes the males of most species to orgasm, by golly I can do it too!"
It took me less than twenty-four hours to learn all the right twists and wrist flicks, and before I knew it, I too could finish the thing on a whim.
I had crossed the Rubicon. I was a cuber. I had strangled the remaining sense of magic that the world still contained with no more than my scrabbling fingers and a will to succeed. My vision was strained, almost painful, as if scarred from the hundreds of bright, colorful blocks that had rotated and spun roughly across it throughout the day. I needed to stop, but I couldn't. Just one more time, I said, and then I would know for sure that I had done it, I had figured this thing out.
Five solves later, I could barely see for the blazing sense of loss that assaulted my eyes like the colors of a flashing disco dance floor.
I slept.
In the morning, I messaged David at work (Excuse me, ahem, I mean on our personal cell phones via SMS):
"I don't know how to feel about my post Rubik's cube solving life. There's no more mystery left in the world. I am dead inside."
David, rather callously (yet wisely) assured me that, "Once you go through all the stages of grief, you will be okay, I promise."
This is the story of that grief.
1. Denial
An apt first stage. Hence why I solved the thing again. And again. And again. Hence why my eyes bled.
LOL, David, I have no clue how to solve the yellow cross. Yeah, I know I did it a few times, but I still can't remember what the steps were. WHY AM I NEVER PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT THE STEPS ARE HAHAHAHA
2. Anger
Who are these "Lawsons"? Why do we call one of them "Lord"? He’s thirteen. THIRTEEN! Surely he knows the dangers as well as his father, if not better! The kid has a 4x4 cube! A 5x5! If that isn't a dangerous rabbit hole of addiction in plain sight, I don't know what is. I've been betrayed. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?!
3. Bargaining
What if I teach my son to solve this thing?! Surely that will be harder...impossible even! Maybe then I will feel that same...... no, I can't do that to someone. Not to family. Maybe another Lawson, but never family....
4. Depression
I solved it again during a conversation with the Lawsons. (Why do we see them so much, anyway?) I was right in front of David, and he didn't even notice! He didn't say anything. He's just as dead inside as I am, I know it. Sure, "Just move through the stages of grief," he said. "You will be fine." Ok, pal. Have you done that? Or are you still stuck on number four? Number one? What has this friendship come to…
5. Acceptance
Today, I scrambled and solved my Rubik's Cube four times during a work meeting. Maybe five. They didn't even notice. I never once lost the thread of conversation. None of that "I'm sorry, my Zoom froze for a second, what was that?" B.S. It hardly even took brain cells, which is good, because I hear you lose those over time, or something.
This is my life now. I'm a cuber. I'm not ashamed, I'm just, well, dead inside, and as far as I can tell, speedcube.com shows no algorithm to solve that.
Are you not entertained?! Leave a comment below. Thank you!
After the credits scene:
“Hey Siri, how hard is a 4x4 Rubik's Cube compared to the original?”
**OMINOUS MUSIC**
I’m sorry for your loss but so very thankful you shared this story. 🤣
I am so entertained. Thank you.