I spent the last three days in the woods with my phone wavering between an apt "SOS" and one pointless bar of service. After checking my bag and finding I had packed two phone chargers instead of one phone charger and one watch charger, I let my Apple Watch die, ambivalently. What could it do for me? Tell me I stood up a lot? Walked a lot? Burned a lot of calories? Slept like horse shit (Does horse shit sleep? HAR-HAR.)? Tell me that I was in the presence of roughly a hundred children (translated as "LOUD ENVIRONMENT Sound levels hit 90 decibels. Around 30 minutes at this level can cause temporary hearing loss")?
I didn't need a god damned watch to tell me these things! I knew them. IN MY BONES.
When I first learned of the opportunity to chaperone this year's school camping trip, I saw it as a disruption from daily life, even if it might be fun.
When Clyde asked me if I would go this year, and added, "So I don't have to ride the bus”, I saw it as a solution to potential motion sickness.
When the school said they were desperately in need of "dad" chaperones, I was already planning to volunteer, but saw it as a way to burn three vacation days to hang out with my kid and his friends.
I'm not ashamed to admit any of this. It's all true and, I think, real enough, because down deep I did want to go. My dad did it with me, other dads did it last year, and countless dads have done--and continue to do it--for time immemorial. Considering Clyde has one school trip under his belt already, I saw it more as a rite of passage for me than for him. I don't mean that in a self-centered way. He literally passed this rite already with flying colors AND rode the bus and mastered his motion sickness in order to do so. I'm so proud of him for all of that.
However, it was time for me to learn some lessons. Here they are, in no particular order and with randomly assigned commentary:
Clyde and his five closest friends (Austin, Declan, Tarun, Walter, Xzavior) are way cooler than I ever was and are destined to be absolute gems of young men.
I did not need this trip to tell me that; it merely reinforced it. If it were just the six of them, I’m quite certain Noel and I could have stayed home and let them run the trip for themselves. You think I’m kidding? No, they probably would have been more tired (“Go to sleep!”), but I know they wouldn’t have missed a single thing. Speaking of Noel…
You never know when someone is going to come back into your life.
Noel and I worked together at Hagerty for many years before he took another job a few years ago. We always got along, and now our sons are close friends. <insert “would you look at that” gif> I can’t tell you how reassuring it was to have a chaperone partner that I knew, could talk endlessly with, could enjoy comfortable silence with, and approach parenting and chaperoning very similarly with. Speaking of parenting and chaperoning…
I’m pretty sure kids get their negativity from their parents. Oy-vey. This is a wood-chipped camp in southwest Michigan, not the Ritz-Carlton, folks. Speaking of kids getting things from parents…
My kid is a “good kid.” I’m not being arrogant; the evidence exists. His five friends are also uncontested “good kids.”
However, there are no “bad kids.” There are kids who act out, kids how don’t give two shits about the camp song, and kids who get yelled at way faster beacuse they are perceived as “bad kids.” This last bit really bummed me out when I witnessed it. I treat my kids as adults except when circumstances dictate that I absolutely cannot. It was clear to me on this trip that Noel does the same. We did this for all our kids, even the “young” fourth graders and so called “bad kids,” and I like to think this did more than help us avoid the “mean adult” moniker, but assure them that if they don’t do stupid shit, they are more than “bad kids.” They are just fine.
I don’t want to be a camp counsellor. The energy….
Eleven-year-old girls develop fully fledged English accents rather quickly when in the presence of British camp counsellors.
It’s always going to rain on the last day when you are already more than ready to get TF out.
Phones and smart watches suck. We need them so much less than we think. I only had limited service/WiFi in the main lodge, and guess what? I GOT BY JUST FINE. People can wait. Emails can wait to be deleted. Texts can wait to be hearted or “HaHa’d” or whatever. That article can wait until you actually have time to read it. You can—gasp—watch seven Instagram reels over the course of five minutes and respond to them in kind.
I understand I was in the woods, and everyone expected me to be there. My point still (mostly) stands.
Jack Colby’s dad was right: it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.
You’ll meet both of these men this summer. Stay tuned! (Hint: They only exist in my story, The Wheel.)
A whole forest puts out a fuck ton of allergens when the wind really kicks up. (Heather, can I get an "AMEN"?)
YIL (yesterday I learned), I have pollen allergies. Holy Helen…
Things are different now. The “fire” was over before it was dark. There were no stories about axe murderers jumping circles of children around campfires. (Heather, can I get another “AMEN”?!)
Kids puke sometimes, and when that kid is not in your cabin, you rejoice.
I still look like Jason Momoa, or more currently, Garret Garrison “The Garbage Man.”
It’s funny how this oscillates between Momoa and Chris Hemsworth, depending on who is more in the cultural zeitgeist at the moment.
The Momoa and “Thor” comparisons might come to an end real soon. Stay tuned for more on that next week…
It doesn’t matter how tired your body is, your brain is not guaranteed to be just as tired. Hello, one A.M.!
“The Penguin Song” is fucking annoying…but quite catchy. Clyde and I even did it before dinner tonight. What have we become?!
If you are a small boy considering future class camping trips and the mayhem you can create, do not ever consider raiding the neighboring cabin and spraying their pillows with bug spray.
We can flip the pillows over (thank God)
Your teachers will make you cry with remorse.
I’m sure there are more lessons to be learned and, if more come to mind, I may add them later. Consider this a living post.
For now, I’m going home and plan to sleep harder than I have in ages.
But then again, I thought the same thing last night, and we all know how that turned out (if you read between the lines). For now, here are more pictures and videos:
Grow up slower than you are, zip-line, pal.
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Sounds like a wonderful time! Great write-up 😊
Amen and Amen!! What a fun time!