Oh wow, it’s been twenty-three days since my last post on September 27th. I hadn’t put any sort of frequency expectations on this Substack of mine, but I was more or less posting on a weekly basis, and that was feeling good.
Then, it was time for Grandma’s memorial service on October 5th, which meant the entire weekend was consumed by extended family in the best way—I could come up with a hundred small moments from that weekend that were absolutely lovely, but I won’t. The only point I’ll highlight (since it’s relevant) is that I had the honor of reading a piece of my writing (after my sister’s fabulous eulogy) that I had written in college twenty years prior. An interesting realization hit me when I was rehearsing it for the service: it was very similar to what I had written here about my Grandma in the days after she passed. That’s how strong the memories are. I will admit that it was tough to read in more ways than one—it was emotional, of course, but my understanding of grammar and the composition of a paragraph were in pretty rough shape back then when I was nearly half the age I am now. Oh well, that was all masked by the cadence of a live reading, of course. The subpar eloquence, though? Well, that wasn’t even a factor; the emotions told the story well enough.
The next two weekends were filled with family time, productivity, and enjoying the incredible fall weather. Most of this was with just the four of us, and it was sorely needed. I tried to resume my usual Friday afternoon Substack posting over at Earthen Ales on the 18th, but a particularly adorable blonde shadow of mine put the kibosh on that…well, he and an insistent breeze that turned his chosen distraction—a foam gliding plane—into one of the kamikaze sort. After two crashes into parked cars, one almost into a table of people and another almost onto the top of the brewery, we decided the wind was prohibitive (if you know me, you know I didn’t need another check mark in the wind “con” column). Writing with a child around is already a stretch. Add unruly wind and boredom to the equation and the sum was this: it tw’ain’t1 happenin’.
I highly suggest that you download the Substack app. Why? Because I care about you and this post has footnotes—two things that don’t live in harmony. If you want to read my annotated posts without hating me for annotatning them, I HIGHLY suggest you use the app. It pops the footnote up and allows you to quickly exit it after reading, all while not making you lose your place. See, I DO care about you. (Although I just noticed that if you click the number by the footnote at the bottom, it brings you back to where you left off. Still, get the app but that’s a legit option too.)
Why am I talking about this? Well, to tell you where I’ve been but also to set up the subject of today’s post or newsletter or self-therapizing rant or whatever it is. The problem is I slowed down, which is ok, but that let my self-doubt catch up with me. When it was time to return to this little minnow of a Substack in a pond full of colorful Koi I found that I didn’t know what the heck I was doing here anymore. So if the title of this post seems familiar (and if that’s actually true for you, golly, I appreciate you), that’s probably because it is. When I first started this silly thing, I wrestled with the same dilemma. Back then, I was trying to explain why I did this thing and why, if it was for me, I care about what other people think about what I’m doing, more or less. Now, today, I’m going to make a bullet list about the whys and the whats of this whole Substack idea. So WHY am I doing this, again?
WHY: To get more writing experience.
WHY: To have an outlet for new thoughts and ideas when I’m snagged in the weeds of editing and “Ruevising”.
WHY: To grow some sort of following, no matter how small.
Those things are pretty much settled in stone already and covered in my original post on this subject. No doubts there. Next up, WHAT am I doing here?
WHAT: Posting my thoughts.
WHAT: Creating a newsletter.
WHAT: Building a following.
Ok, so let me pick those things apart a bit because today’s post (or whatever) really is a self-therapizing endeavor, even if most of the rest aren’t.
Here’s my problem with posting my thoughts: it assumes other people care about what I think, and that in itself feels arrogant and self-absorbed. It makes me think of some of the asinine “status updates” I posted on Facebook fifteen years ago, only to see them in my “memories” years later and groan painfully at their stupidity. Am I doing the same thing here, only more “eloquently”?
Here’s my problem with creating a newsletter: it assumes I have something to say and (similarly to my thoughts above) that I’m someone worth following. Who do I think I am: some sort of small-time celebrity? Pah! Deep down, I can tell you that I wish I was any one of my heroes2, but I’m not so why am I pretending to be? People only care about the minutia of your life if they idolize you already and even though I want to stand amongst my heroes, I don’t desire that sort of attention. This Subsstack might convince you I’m lying about that but I swear I’m not.
Here’s my problem with building a following: …huh, I guess I don’t really have one, and, would you look at that, it’s the only reason that exists on both the WHY and the WHAT category. So I guess that’s the one, isn’t it? (This sounds SO premeditated but, again, I swear it’s not.)
So why don’t I do my so-called “following building” here and leave the self-therapizing at home on pages that will never be read? I guess it’s because of a handful of reasons:
I believe in honesty. If I’m going to build any sort of following, I want it to be a true one. If the down-deep nuts and bolts of Andrew Thomas drive away a potential following, he doesn’t deserve to have one.
I haven’t shied away from putting myself out there so far and it’s worked out ok. I’ve got one highly unexpected paying subscriber that I didn’t ask for (you know who you are and I thank you again) and 28 subscribers total. Chump change in the larger Koi pond but I don’t care, it feels good. I appreciate each and every one of you regardless of your engagement level. (To those of you who read but haven’t subscribed…well?)
I met a pretty fantastic individual last week in Steven Tomlinson3. He’s a published author so naturally I cornered him and asked him for his advice. He didn’t have a ton—having come to that life in a round-about way—but gave me some good leads. First was to read Austin Kleon’s stuff and second was to START A SUBSTACK AND BUILD A FOLLOWING. I shit you not, that is what he said. He told me to put my work out there, even the unfinished stuff. Hey, Steven, that’s what I’m doing. That’s some validation, right there.
Number four deserves it’s own paragraph, I think, so keep going…
The day after I talked to Steven, I found myself in conversation with several unknown (to me) writers at work. That was a joy in itself but I also talked at length with someone who has been following my Substack and specifically mentioned The End of an Era—my commentary on my four fantastic grandparents—as her favorite. I acknowledged that that one was a banger and the most popular so far but she immediately went deeper, a quality I value so highly (obviously). She said that she hadn’t seen her grandparents that much and that my post or newsletter or whatever, inspired her to go see them. Aww shucks, that’s great, I’m glad you did that, I said, appreciating what she did but diminishing my own role in it. No, she said, I drove four hours to see them after I read that. You have an effect on people.
Holy Helen, I’m just a dude, writing stuff. That floored me. I may feel like it’s egotistical to write about ME, but the fact of the matter is that’s not what it’s about and it never was. I just want to write things and I hope it impacts people. I said that early on, I think (enough links, at this point) but I was only really thinking about my stories—you know, my real ones, the fiction stuff—I never thought that some post from yet another desperate Substacker with <30 followers would make a difference in someone’s life but it did. If I stopped writing tomorrow, I would be happy that this person got time with her beloved grandparents because of something I wrote.
That’s it.
So I suppose I’ll keep going. I was going to anyway, but oh for the serendipity that made me feel good about it…I have to feel good about it; I can’t do something I feel bad about.
Lastly, before I go, I think I’ll give you more of an idea of what you can expect here and let you vote on it. Sounds dangerous but why the hell not? Here are the things I expect to continue covering on this Substack:
Honest life stuff and details of my writing journey
A behind the scenes look, without spoilers, at my various stories
My published short stories and songs, annotated (there are so few)
Original short stories, behind a paywall
This one is up in the air. Typically if you self-publish a story, nobody else wants to touch it. Maybe the paywall will help with that? I need to check.
The stories behind each of my guitars (some are more interesting than others)
The stories behind the random schmutz on my desk
I don’t know, these are just some ideas. So here’s a poll and lets see what happens. Either way, I will see you again regardless of if you respond to any of this. Oh, and even putting this poll here makes me feel self-absorbed and ridiculous. Sheesh.
Like what you’ve read so far? Leave a comment or donation below. Thank you!
I’m quite sure that “tw’ain’t” isn’t a word, but neither is “ain’t”, and that got by spell check eventually, so hey, let me dream. (In fact, spell check is telling me to change “tw’ain’t” to “ain’t”. (Tw’ain’t: a contraction combining t’wasnt and ain’t. (Man, there are major issues with this whole thought process aren’t there?)))
If you must know, these heroes are Stephen King (duh), Colin Meloy of The Decemberists, and Josh Clark/CharlesBryant of my favorite podcast, Stuff You Should Know. Each of these talented gentlemen have influenced my life, career, and creativity in such unparalleled ways that I wish I could hug each one of them and tell them how.
Yeah, ok, I’m doing a lot of name dropping today.
Of course I want to hear stories about all the topics… no need for a survey, just write so I can enjoy reading something special during my day! I want to read about it all !!! Thanks for the break during a hecktic day, so greatly appreciated !
For the record, I wanted to choose multiple categories!